Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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