So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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