4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Farmville is her only friend.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
