I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
