New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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