we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
