He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
