I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
