i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
