420 ftw
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
