i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
