I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
