Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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