someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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