Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
