He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
