Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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