i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
