well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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