my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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