Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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