be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
