I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
