I faked an abortion last night.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My vagina just recognized that song.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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