so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize