morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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