just tell him i said nine months
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
