Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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