if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
i think im in europe. pls send help
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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