Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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