I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
