i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
