id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
