apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
