And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
