There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
