The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
