it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
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