You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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