we have officially lost it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
