This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
