I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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