You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
