Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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