I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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