What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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