i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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