ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
