you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
you never un-have a 4some
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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