update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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