I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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