Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
