doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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